Hello people, (i supposed no one is here to read anymore)
I'm packing up my stuff and prepare to get back to campus tomorrow. Monday shall be the first day I'm having orientation in Nilai. I wonder would it be the same in Matrikulasi or it's something fun or more exciting. For your information, I'm taking degree in Accounting and Finance. Well, right now there are still people who feel insecure about the uncertainties in signing up for the program because it's new and we are not guaranteed to get certificate from Oxford Brooke University. However, I'm not one the group.
People who is updated to what I've been through should know that I got SPM 7A+ at first and I wasn't being offered JPA scholarship, but Matrikulasi. For all other scholarships, I wasn't being called for interview except KLIA scholarship ( I gave up the chance at the end) and I secured Nilai's scholarship. Been into Matrikulasi Perlis for one week and out for NUC for 4 years program.
Up to this point of time, it still seems that I've been having a good time. Things were good and life's good, everything went on according to it's plan. But, for heaven's sake, it's a no. Since news been released that only 8A+ students will be guaranteed a JPA scholarship, I've been scolding myself for lacking 1A+ behind. And guess what? I got 8A+ actually, that's what written in my SPM certificate. Daddy's went for kidney dialysis and couldn't claim anymore money from the insurance. My brother resign and hasn't been working for 6 months (Thank god, he started working tonight). Life is like a total misery to me. Right at that time, I feel so much hatred in my heart, my mind keeps telling me "YOU DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER!" and for this reason I've seen a few people to get advice from them, asking what can I do with the new A+ given to me. After a few days of crying and struggling, I decided to let go in the end. Realize that there's no way out, there's nothing I can do with it. I gave up. Tears rolled down and I tell myself "it's ok, dear. Let the time pass and the memories will fade. Things are gonna be alright soon."
Well, one of the reasons I wanted the JPA scholarship is I realized there were so many hidden things I don't see in Nilai. Education quality especially. I wanted to go oversea or maybe some local prestigious university ( I know probably there are none, but there's definitely university which are way damn better than Nilai). However, the truth is if I want to leave Nilai, I gotta repay them about RM20k, which is quite a big burden to my family. It really took me some time to forget what happened and to stay in peace when people start mentioning it to me.
At the end of semester 3, I met a scholar who is about to leave Nilai after her foundation. She told me Nilai did not seek any compensation from her. Then, another girl came to me ask if I wanna transfer or leave Nilai. For the first time in my life, I feel so tired. Can you all please stop asking me where I want to go? Do you actually understand it's hard for me to give up not to study overseas, to give up seeking another chance for JPA scholarship or others?
Yet, when I come home, my parents, my brother, everyone seem to be so fine. Am I really the only one worrying and bothering about all these stupid things? Or do you all just pretend that nothing happen?
Conclusion, when circumstances give you only one choice, take it or break it. I took it. Stay in Nilai. Pretend nothing's happened. I'm happy. I'm fine.
I remember I used to be a princess in the house. There's nothing that I need to worry. But, when I was 15. My daddy's kidney problem just gotten worse, brother wasn't in the house, mother and I start arranging things for father, like admission into hospital, operation and etc. Then, my grandmother was admitted into hospital as well due to cancer and finally she's gone. Not long after that, I received a phone call from my mother, saying dad's health condition is at worst, dialysis is the only way out. So, we took the option, sent him for dialysis. Ever since then, I realized I got to grow up, start taking care of the family especially when brother is not around. Two years later, mummy got slipped disc. I found the doctor for her, arranged every appointment for her, sent her to the hospital, called the insurance company for the claim. Then, I knew I really grew up. I did things that I wasn't able to do when I was 15. And I wonder if you guys know, on the graduation ceremony, my mum went into the operation theater alone. I remember Jinyi was surprised that I didn't cry for all of us gonna go further apart soon, leaving each other. But I burst into tears once I got home, called my mum for so many times but she didn't pick up the phone. I bet Jinyi wouldn't know if I cried that day, those tears would be for my mother, not them.
Shits really happen in life. There are really some super duper sucks moments in life, like afraid of losing your family members, not being able to achieve your dream, giving up the things that seems to be utmost to you or maybe breaking up seems to be so near.
For a coward people like me, I'm just gonna tell myself " Shits happen, but life still goes on. Time heals."
I'm sorry for not being someone brave. I know I'm not a person who can make lemonade when life gives me a lemon.
For people who are reading this post, if you think your life is much more worse than mine and I should stop complaining because complaining doesn't help at all. I'm sorry, I'm still gonna tell you I deserve the right to complain and I decide the time when I want to stand up. It's my life and I don't make a fool out of me to please you.
