Forgive me

Forgive me please, I know I'll gone crazy once in a while. I know I'll just laugh with no reason which irritate you guys so much. I know I hardly control my temper. I'm so sorry for being a emotional person. But being emotional is really my fault?

I have no idea about that. I just realize that once in a while, I wished to be the real me! But, sometimes I'm not wishing, is just came out by itself, I mean the real me. It replace me to be another person.

Sorry because I know all these things are making you confuse. But erm, this is the thought I came up with today. Lets see what had happened today.

LAK tuition class.
Jia Cheng : Shu Yi, since when you change your style, i mean the way you hold your pen!
Shu Yi : *laugh quietly, dint get to answer him*

He is right, since when i changed my holding pen's style. I dont remember when is it, things change so deeply, thoroughly without my knowing. But all I know is once in a while, I still write in a " thumb-up" way. and thats the REAL ME!!

after the tuition class, I walk to Boon Hwa, look for exercise book, then walked to Minang to buy my rubber band.
It was a sunny day, sun still shine so bright and I couldnt look up into the sky.
So, I keep my head down, staring on the road i'm walking. I wonder why the road shines too. Have you guys ever notice it? Even though the road is black color, but when the sun shines on it, you'll see it reflect some light, white light. feels like a diamond.

Then, I remember when I was small, I saw the road shine in the way like a diamond. I thought diamond or crystal was dig out from the road. So, I spend so much time on digging on the road outside my house. Erm. a small digging, no one ever notice me.

One day, my mum saw what I'm doing and she asked about it. I told her I'm digging diamonds! She laughed. I anyhow manage to dig out one or two small piece of stone, which looks like diamond, or glass. I dont know what it is, I thought that was a diamond.

So suddenly, i wished to draw back, and start digging the road again. I still wonder is this crystal? or diamond? The real me is backed. But just for a moment. It was short. I anyhow tried to stay her in, but I couldn't.

No one knows which of them is the real one. So do I. Pardon me if I'm lost, Forgive me if you found that I've totally changed. Because i got no way to keep the real me with me.

Is great not to grow up, but is time to face realities

A moment ago, I saw the picture of Connie, Sara and Nancy they took during their first dance in secondary school, when we were all in Form 1. It doesn't surprise me at all, the thing that touch my heart was the comment.

- Look how big is that smile.
- Yea. million dollars smile.
- Yea. Is great not to grow up.

Yes, I'm totally agree with these guys.
We usually have that smiley face all the time when we were small. If it is not a smile, at least a tear, and is better than nothing.

When we grow up, problems grow up.
No matter what we feed it, it still seems to grow.

I never thought that time passes this fast.
I never thought that everyone have changed a lot, or maybe we shall say it is growth?
I'm a big big girl, but no longer in a small small world.
And so do you, i mean everyone who read this.
We are no longer kids, we started to carry on our life on our own, taking our own responsibility, facing our own problem, solve things alone when we have to.
I know we are no more the little one, cry when there is no solution, say hate you when I mean it, say "rocket" when I dont wanna be friend with you, tell you every secret I have.

What I mean is everyone should live their life on their own, decide the path they want, take their risk for any major decision and also be responsible for what they have done.
Of course, what im facing now is masquerades. I bet you have realize that too. I'm not surprise of that, it doesn't matter what brings that on you, but perhaps you are just trying to protect yourself, not to deceive others.
We gossips more than sharing problem. Why is that? I dont know.
Everyone has his or her own problem, maybe is more than you can imagine.
No one can tell you what to do, you are the only one who can tell yourself what to do. No one is obliged to solve every problem in your life, perhaps you know about this, perhaps you appreciate what we have done for you.

P.S : I'm not talking to a specific person. Dont get offended. Thanks.

I miss you, but not that much anymore.

Is been 2 years since you left us. I wonder how is life after death? Peaceful? Do you really meet God? or even stay with God? I havent mourn for u for a long time, hmmn.. almost a year? Sorry that I dont remember that much. It seems that I've started let things go away as time passes. Will you blame me? I know you dont.

I went to hospital yesterday. I did a endoscope and ultrasound, diagnose with nothing. I'm sure you will be glad to hear this, I'm fine. Definitely healthy, but erm. just obese. I promise I will start putting off this 'loads'. Hehe. =)

I saw carp fish in the pool, and then only I think of you. Kinda dissapointed huh? I'm sure you are. It is because the place we placed you has a lot of carp fish, windy, and erm nice building structure, and I'm loving it. I'm sure you will too.

Frankly, I dont remember your faces at those early age. All I remember is how your silly smiley face, you shake your head when all of us asked you to stop but you insist this is what doctor asked you to do. But, it is actually a No-No. I remember you used to bring me to the temple, feed me with those dumpling, one of my favourite food, and yes, it is now too. I remember you are the only one who taught me to tie up my shoelace patiently, you did it instead of my mum. I remember it was so kind of you that you never blame me for anything i've done wrong. You make mooncakes, dumplings, cakes, muruku. You sew shirts. My mum too. Yet, I havent learn anything of this from you or her either.

Life is fragile. I wanted to say this long ago. The scene was so real, unforgettable and unbearable pain. It was still like yesterday, like you havent leave me for years, weeks and days. I very seldom think of you. But when I thought of, everything about you seems to flashback, I recall every moment with you. I couldnt ignore the hard feeling in my heart. It was me to ignore your request, I didnt want to pick up that stinky thing, and you have to do it all on your own. But it was then you've got stroke. It was too late for me to blame myself now. No point for crying over the spilt milk. Yet, you praised me. You told others that I quickly got others to offer you help when you couldn't stand. But I know it deeply that you were just too kind to say that, to protect me against the sins that i've done.

Time passes so quickly. He is not that strong anymore. But his temper never changed. He sleep in my room everytime he stay here. You couldn't imagine how many times he will wake up at the night to go toilet. Or maybe you knew it? I know he is lonely at KL, he dint want to stay there. No companions. Everyone stop him from doing this and doing that. Maybe you should talk to him oftenly in his dream. Tell him how his attitude will affect the others. Tell him how to stay along with them. I always try my best to talk to him when he is here, but you know? things got out of my hand, I dont have any topic to talk. Tell me what to do? I always lose my temper when I'm against him, when he kept on asking the same question. Teach me how to control my temper. Verbal wound would be as bad as physical one, or maybe worse. I really want to appreciate him, but sometimes I just turned things upside down.

I still miss you now. just not that much anymore. I dont want to forget you. I'll save a place in my heart for you. It is secured, locked and the password is with you now. Tell me if I've change bad, adversely affect my life. Tell me if I'm no longer the little girl you've know. I really do miss you. Tell me to take care of myself, and for the others too.